I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
