3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
