Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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