Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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