3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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