We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
