Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
