maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
