fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
