It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Four minutes until I can fart!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
