And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
