It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
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she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
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He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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