I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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