I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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