i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
