i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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