i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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