I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
