my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
