I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
