Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
