she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
