Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
