I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
