onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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