They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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