the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
a search helicopter?!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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