Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
As shirtless as possible
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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