Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Welcome to your 30โs, where every one night stand is most likely with someoneโs father
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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