it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
