you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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