You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
