She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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