We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
