i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
