I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
