Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
