did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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