it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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