I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
