After last night, I could never be a politician.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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