The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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