she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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