woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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