it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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