you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
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im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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