well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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