alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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