I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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