You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize