I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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