i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
