i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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