i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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