I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
