No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Everything about him screamed your future.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
