allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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