First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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