I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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